Apple Run Horses and Ponies

Breeding the Best APHA, AQHA, APPR, NPHR, and PHA Horses and Ponies for a Variety of Uses.

Because Life is Better on Horseback!

Hey Carrot Gang again, and we wanna tell ya that this is one page miss Sheree and the family have no idea about!  You can come here any time you want, we always have jokes, games, and other fun stuff that keeps you entertained on this boring site, and we also want to remind you that we always get new horses up for sale, and to come back any time!  We love company!

 

Freckles   Ginger 
 Hey Ging  What?

 What's the difference

 

 Between a horse

 
 and a car?  
 

I don't 

   know, what?
 A car can't buck!  
   Ha ha ha
 Pretty cheesy huh?  

Neigh guys! Sunny here, I wanna tell you about a few inventions you humans can make for us:

  • Electric horse blanket
  • Automatic teeth floater, the kind that don't pull your tongue
  • Lying weight tape
  • A telephone for us, we need two nubers, ASCPA and horse hay inc.
  • Human saddles, and races
  • More comfortable spurs
  • Self feeding feeders
  • New type of horse cookie, that makes you look skinny.

 

Freckles again, I wanna show you the letter I got from a pretty lil filly. "I heard that!"  Sorry Ginger.

 
Hello my name is Flicka and my Owner's a clinic junky.

Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me. I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from Greenhorn to Greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn. I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fellas so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty,but they told me my butt was too small, my head too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.

She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.

First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat. Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it.
I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my natural horse abilities. Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the
SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching,but I knew my Phyllis would not. Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.

Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner. Later I talked to the 2 year old.
He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for
about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the
string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!

Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce.
To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.

There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang
while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate Sorry fella, you're cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I just don't swing interspecies.

A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when was born. A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.

I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild filly.
Sincerely,
Flicka

Hey fillies, this is Ginger, how would you like to hear a funny joke?  Well of course you would!

A old Cowboy & His granson

An old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
 When he died, he left.................
 
14 children
30 grandchildren
45 great-grandchildren
25 great-great-grandchildren
 
............... and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 

Sunny here, and I wanna explain something to you folks, who think horse rituals and spooks are about nothing, well, think again!

Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.

DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.

IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.

MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.

SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.

SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.

STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.

SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern
.

Are you a stall-bound horse? Want to amuse yourself and your human? Well, here are some fun activities for you!

1) Poop in the water game
This will test your coordination and spatial abilities. Horses all over the world practice this, every day. You must try to poop in your water container (note: drink water first, so you won't go thirsty!). If your water container is too high to poop in, you can attempt to poop on the stall's door, or on the wall. This also gives your human something to do-- when they see what you've done, they will marvel at your special abilities, then happily provide you with fresh water.

2)Pee in the water game
A real challenge for geldings and stallions! Attempt to pee in your water container. This is a very challenging game. If your water container is up against a wall, you may try to drag it into the middle of your stall. Either way, be sure that you've mastered #1 above first... so your human knows to provide fresh water for you!

3) Artistic Wood Carving
You can become a wood carver. Use your teeth to chisle the wood of your stall into a beautiful piece of art! At first, you can start with simple shapes -- such as the half-moon bite shape-- and as you become more advanced you can try different forms (big curve shape or multiple bite shapes). Your human will really appreciate this.
Some humans will actually remove your artwork from the stall, and put up fresh, new, unchewed boards-- encouraging you to develop your artistic abilities with a fresh, new canvas!

4) Grain Spilling Game
Try to dump out all of your grain from your grain bucket/container, by turning it over with your nose. It is a fun game. You can even continue to flip the container to be sure that all the grain is dumped on the ground. Then, using your delicate muzzle to guide you, try to pick up all the grain, sorting throught the bedding and poop. Amusing, and it makes your grain last longer. Your human will appreciate it too-- he/she may even bring you a new bucket of grain, or challenge you to become better by using more difficult containers.

5) Hay Dunking
In this game, you'll try to grab a bite of hay, carry it to your water container, and dump it in. Dropping hay in your water is fun for both you and your human! Although it's just hay, they will probably come in your stall and remove it from your water (then you can dump more in).

6) Who Can Be The Loudest
If you're stalled with other horses, try a little friendly competition with this game. When it's feeding time, see who can neigh, bang, scream, and kick the loudest in their stalls. Humans will instinctively throw food to the noisiest, most demanding horse, so try to be it. The winner is the horse that the human feeds first.

7) Smoosh The Bedding
In this game, you can attempt to mix your bedding, poop, and hay all together. You do this by walking all around in your stall, until you get a good, even mixture. Some horses walk in circles, or back and forth in a straight line... experiment with different styles to see what you like best. Again, this provides entertainment and excersize for your human, because they will have to clean it all up.

8) Roll in the stall
Attempt to get a good roll, in your stall. If your stall is big, this is easy; however, the smaller the stall, the more difficult it can become. The object is to roll, well, without getting stuck. There is some danger involved in this game, as you could roll up near a wall and get stuck (but then, your human will rescue you-- be sure to do this near food time just in case!).

9) Mane Rubbing
Try to rub your mane out in certain spots. Humans like neat manes. That is why they comb, spray, and pull your mane; Save them work by pulling your mane yourself! You can stick your head through the stall (if it has an opening) and try to rub the top of your neck. Or, just rub it on the side of a wall. This will give your mane a nice look that humans appreciate (clumps of hair missing). You'll save them time on having to pull your mane or trim a bridle path.

  

Okay, those are rituals, here are the translations for all those "stupid" spooks.

Top 10 Spooky Things
A horse's point of view

10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."

9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"

8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."

7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."

6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."

5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."

4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."

3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."

2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."

1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."

                                     

Hey Fillies, ever had your stud try to get in the way of your precious horse, well This is Ginger telling all men to read this, as a warning!

DANDY DARLIN'

My wife, she has a Quarter Horse
With flaxen mane and tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing
That ever jogged a rail.

His name is Dandy Darlin'.
And if the truth I tell,
That fancy, pampered Quarter Horse
Has made my life pure hell.

My wife she used to cook for me,
And serve it with champagne,
But now she'd rather feed that horse
And fix his special grain.

He dresses better than I do,
With blanket, wraps, and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected,
That I attract the flies!

She rides him every morning,
She grooms him half the night;
The last time that she kissed me,
Was just to be polite.

One day my wife was shopping,
She's gone down to the mall,
And fancy, pampered Darlin'
Was standing in his stall.

He looked so smug and sassy
That I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker,
And  take him for a spin.

 

I've wondered since, if cues I gave
He might have misconstrued.
For when I climbed aboard that horse,
He rightly came unglued!

He bucked and spun and snorted fire
And flung me through a fence.
I saw big stars and lost six teeth
That I ain't heard from since.

The wife came home and found me,
A-lyin' in the dirt.
She kissed her horse and said to him,
"Oh, Sweetheart, are you hurt?"

He'd scratched his nose a little bit --
The memory burns me yet --
She left me trampled in the dirt,
And ran to call the vet!

 

Freckles again, let's see how smart you humans really are:
Test :::
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
 
1. This is this horse
2. This is is horse
3. This is how horse
4. This is to horse
5. This is keep horse
6. This is an horse
7. This is old horse
8. This is fart horse
9. This is busy horse
10. This is for horse
11. This is forty horse
12 This is seconds horse
 
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
 
 
 
 
How do you......
Induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.

Cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.

Cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.

Get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.

Get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.

Get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.

Get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.

Make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.

Get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.

Induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.

Make it rain? Mow a field of hay.

Make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.

Ginger again, giving tips to folks who don't know what they are doing!

HOW TO SOAK A HOOF

1. Get bucket or low tub, fill with warm water, add Epsom salts until fully diluted. Get horse, place in cross ties, pick up  foot, slide bucket or low tub into place, place horse's foot in tub.

2. Retrieve tub from corner of barn, get towel to dry off your face.

3. Refill tub with water and Epsom  salts. Shorten cross ties. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub.

4.  Retrieve tub from other horse's stall, retrieve horse from his own stall. Find bailing twine to fix broken crosstie. Wrap towel around head to dry  hair. Check rapidly bruising toe for signs of breakage.

5. Place rocks  in bottom of tub to weigh it down. Snub horse to wall of stall, refill tub  with water and Epsom salts. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub. Hold up other front leg.

6. Pick self up off of stall floor. Find place outside  where tub has been flung. Retrieve horse from neighbor's garden, pull rocks ou! t of horse's water bucket, call spouse for opinion on whether or not wrist  may be broken. Explain
multiple times to emergency room staff that you did not fall off the horse.

7. Return to home, enlist spouse to hold horse, hobble hind legs, tie up front leg, fill tub with water and salt, slide tub into place, while pinning horse against wall.

8. Apologize to spouse as they view hoof prints across favorite shirt. Wonder if water and Epsom salts  is bad for new wrist cast. Check out burgeoning black eye from broken  hobbles. Retrieve horse from cattle farm across the road. Share laugh with  cattle farmer about how fast horse can move on only three legs.

9. Go to  grocery store to purchase ice packs, ibuprofen, more Epsom salts, and  scotch.

10. Call vet and ask them to come over and show you how to soak a foot. Pour self tall glass of scotch while waiting.

 

Strange Horse Laws
Can you believe these!
Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).

The horse is New Jersey's state animal.

It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.

In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.

It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.

Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.

A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.

Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.

In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.

In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.

In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.

A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: "No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter."

In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.


Pennsylvania law states: ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.''

In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.

In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.

Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse."

Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined."

Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.

Crazy Crosses
After somebody told me their Tennessee Walker/Friesian colt was called a "Walking Freezer", I thought, why not come up with some other strange breed crosses? Can you think of a better one? Send it in!

 

Quarter Horse X Halflinger = Three-Quarter Horse

                 Mustang X Bashkir= Mustache

                 Vlaamperd X Shire = Vampire

          Quarter horse X Warmblood= warm horse

                Foxtrotter X Irish Hunter= fox hunter

                 Arabian X Xilingol= Arab Lingo

               Orlov Trotter x Appaloosa = Trapper

Halflinger X Warmblood = Half Warm

Shire X Fallabella = Shy Fella

Fell Pony X Don = Fell Do'n

Westphalian+Gypsy Vanner = Westphalia Van

Paint X Palomino = Paint Pal

Halflinger + Jutland= Half Jug

Missouri Foxtotter X Miniature Horse= Mini Fox

Fjord Pony X Gypsy Vanner = Ford Van

Icelandic X Hackney = Ice-Hack

Oldenburg X Westphalian = Old West

Saddlebred X Appaloosa= Saddle-loosa

Brabant X Friesian= Antifreeze

Florida Cracker X Paint = Floor Paint, or Cracked Paint

Appaloosa X Danish Warmblood = Apple Danish

Mustang X Friesian= Must Freeze

Friesian x Warmblood = Freezing Blood

Halflinger x Quarter= Half Quart

Mustang X Friesian= Must Freeze

Oldenburg+Saddlebred= Old Saddle

Quarter Horse+Buckskin=Quarter Buck, Horseskin

Thoroughbred+Suffolk=Rough Folk

Gotland X Appaloosa = Gotloose

Ardennaise X Noma =- Nomayonnaise

Pinto X Warmblood - Pint Blood

Welsh X Shetland = Wetland

Fjord X Paint = Painted Ford

Computer Horse

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely, Tech Support

 

 

 

 

Short N Cheesy.This is Sunny, and I am showing you some of my FAVORITE jokes!

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little hoarse."

P.M.S. -- Pissy Mare Syndrome

There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, i need a telegram" "What will it say mam?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok mam, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm mam, it's none of my businessm but i don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"

One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses, he fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: "FOUND'ER!"


There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Out of words, the man said his prayers, and ended them with "Amen."  The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so releived that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.

A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."

A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had to walk home."


Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to the others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"


One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell the two apart! Sometimes they would get confusesed and ride the wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!" After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and they still had a problem! They decided to measure the horses. Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller one. Guess what they found? The brown one was two inches taller than the gray one!


Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse! One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'. So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup! She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.


Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horsesfor the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"


The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."


The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."
 

HONEST HARRY'S NEW & USED HORSES

I can save you money on gas!

Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.69 for gas, no problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose from the following models:

1. Trail Horse - Your average run around town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. The Arabian - perfect for those who travel long distances in a day and try to multi task while driving. Although the Arabian may not go to your home or office with out specific instruction, it WILL go somewhere.

3. The Draft - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines, this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more expensive than the compact model.

4. The Western Pleasure - The right car for the high end white collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more special knowledge so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic, you just won't be getting anywhere fast.

5. The Parelli - Salesmen, stay at home moms, and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.

6. The Ranch - The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).

No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.

 

If Horses Were In High School, What Cliques Would They Be In?

QUARTER HORSES: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts...definitely jocks.

THOROUGHBREDS: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never jocks. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack. They are "new money" rich.

APPALOOSAS:. They like to trip on acid so they can watch their spots move.

ARABIANS: RAH! RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!!!!!!!!!!! (need I say more?)

SHETLAND PONIES: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitudes and any color of the rainbow... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

FRIESIANS: Big, buff and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corners of their mouths, dangerous glint in their eyes, dar ing an yone to cross their path.

MORGANS: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

DRAFTS (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys that sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to stop them?

ICELANDICS & PASO FINOS: They're the little squirely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear jeans from Sears (or would that be a ripoff WeathaBeetas?)

AHKLE TEKL: (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle......! Akhal Teke!!) Foreign Exchange students. And no one can spell their names either.

HACKNEY PONIES: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees held high... even when they go to the bathroom.

WARMBLOODS: Old money Preppies, as opposed to the TB's who are new money Preppies. All their tack is importe d from Europe, they drink Perrier water and eat only organically grown feed. They look down on everyone and talk amongst themselves about summer in Paris and Skiing in Gstad and wasn't it dreadful how provincial Spruce Meadows has become?

Ten Way to Get In Shape to Own a horse

.1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Shout "Get off,stupid! Get off!"
.2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll
lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
.3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.
.4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.
.5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it
to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
. 6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and
" I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".
.7. Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
.8. Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be'...(add) bitten,
thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled."
.9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and
repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning
experience,..."
.10. Marry Money!





You Know You're A Horse Person When...
...your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
...your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
...every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps
the barricades would make.
...you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
...your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you'll say, "I can't, I have to ride."
...you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
...you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
...you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you've saved ten
bucks.
...your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: "And your point is..?"
...someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.
...you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you click at them instead.
...you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
...no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes...but that's ok because you'll have to
rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
...you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are johdpurs, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc.... but you don't even care about
the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
...you say "whoa" to the dog.
...your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma,
signed by the horses and dogs.
...you see the vet more than your child's pediatrician.
...you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven't seen a beautician
since...?
...someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
...you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
...on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
...you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head,
but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
...you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
...you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
...books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren't
correct.
...you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you that much anymore.

All I need to know in life I learned from my horse:


When in doubt, run far, far away.

You can never have too many treats.

Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.

New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.

Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.

Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.

Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.

Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.

Eat plenty of roughage.

Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.

When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.

In times of crisis, take a poop.

Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.

Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.

A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.

Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

The Love of a horse is like non other.