Apple Run Horse and Pony Ranch - Life is better on horseback.

Hello my name is Flicka and my Owner's a clinic junky.

Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me. I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from Greenhorn to Greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn. I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fellas so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty,but they told me my butt was too small, my head too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.

She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.

First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat. Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it.
I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my natural horse abilities. Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the
SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching,but I knew my Phyllis would not. Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.

Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner. Later I talked to the 2 year old.
He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for
about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the
string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!

Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce.
To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.

There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang
while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate Sorry fella, you're cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I just don't swing interspecies.

A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when was born. A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.

I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild filly.
Sincerely,

Flicka

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died, he left.................

30 grandchildren

45 great-grandchildren

25 great-great-grandchildren

............... and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.

DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.

IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.

MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.

SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.

SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.

STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.

SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.

Are you a stall-bound horse? Want to amuse yourself and your human? Well, here are some fun activities for you!

1) Poop in the water game
This will test your coordination and spatial abilities. Horses all over the world practice this, every day. You must try to poop in your water container (note: drink water first, so you won't go thirsty!). If your water container is too high to poop in, you can attempt to poop on the stall's door, or on the wall. This also gives your human something to do-- when they see what you've done, they will marvel at your special abilities, then happily provide you with fresh water.

2)Pee in the water game
A real challenge for geldings and stallions! Attempt to pee in your water container. This is a very challenging game. If your water container is up against a wall, you may try to drag it into the middle of your stall. Either way, be sure that you've mastered #1 above first... so your human knows to provide fresh water for you!

3) Artistic Wood Carving
You can become a wood carver. Use your teeth to chisle the wood of your stall into a beautiful piece of art! At first, you can start with simple shapes -- such as the half-moon bite shape-- and as you become more advanced you can try different forms (big curve shape or multiple bite shapes). Your human will really appreciate this.
Some humans will actually remove your artwork from the stall, and put up fresh, new, unchewed boards-- encouraging you to develop your artistic abilities with a fresh, new canvas!

4) Grain Spilling Game
Try to dump out all of your grain from your grain bucket/container, by turning it over with your nose. It is a fun game. You can even continue to flip the container to be sure that all the grain is dumped on the ground. Then, using your delicate muzzle to guide you, try to pick up all the grain, sorting throught the bedding and poop. Amusing, and it makes your grain last longer. Your human will appreciate it too-- he/she may even bring you a new bucket of grain, or challenge you to become better by using more difficult containers.

5) Hay Dunking
In this game, you'll try to grab a bite of hay, carry it to your water container, and dump it in. Dropping hay in your water is fun for both you and your human! Although it's just hay, they will probably come in your stall and remove it from your water (then you can dump more in).

6) Who Can Be The Loudest
If you're stalled with other horses, try a little friendly competition with this game. When it's feeding time, see who can neigh, bang, scream, and kick the loudest in their stalls. Humans will instinctively throw food to the noisiest, most demanding horse, so try to be it. The winner is the horse that the human feeds first.

7) Smoosh The Bedding
In this game, you can attempt to mix your bedding, poop, and hay all together. You do this by walking all around in your stall, until you get a good, even mixture. Some horses walk in circles, or back and forth in a straight line... experiment with different styles to see what you like best. Again, this provides entertainment and excersize for your human, because they will have to clean it all up.

8) Roll in the stall
Attempt to get a good roll, in your stall. If your stall is big, this is easy; however, the smaller the stall, the more difficult it can become. The object is to roll, well, without getting stuck. There is some danger involved in this game, as you could roll up near a wall and get stuck (but then, your human will rescue you-- be sure to do this near food time just in case!).

9) Mane Rubbing
Try to rub your mane out in certain spots. Humans like neat manes. That is why they comb, spray, and pull your mane; Save them work by pulling your mane yourself! You can stick your head through the stall (if it has an opening) and try to rub the top of your neck. Or, just rub it on the side of a wall. This will give your mane a nice look that humans appreciate (clumps of hair missing). You'll save them time on having to pull your mane or trim a bridle path.

Okay, those are rituals, here are the translations for all those "stupid" spooks.

Top 10 Spooky Things
A horse's point of view

10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."

9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"

8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."

7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."

6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."

5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."

4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."

3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."

2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."

1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."

DANDY DARLIN'

My wife, she has a Quarter Horse
With flaxen mane and tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing
That ever jogged a rail.

His name is Dandy Darlin'.
And if the truth I tell,
That fancy, pampered Quarter Horse
Has made my life pure hell.

My wife she used to cook for me,
And serve it with champagne,
But now she'd rather feed that horse
And fix his special grain.

He dresses better than I do,
With blanket, wraps, and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected,
That I attract the flies!

She rides him every morning,
She grooms him half the night;
The last time that she kissed me,
Was just to be polite.

One day my wife was shopping,
She's gone down to the mall,
And fancy, pampered Darlin'
Was standing in his stall.

He looked so smug and sassy
That I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker,
And take him for a spin.

I've wondered since, if cues I gave
He might have misconstrued.
For when I climbed aboard that horse,
He rightly came unglued!

He bucked and spun and snorted fire
And flung me through a fence.
I saw big stars and lost six teeth
That I ain't heard from since.

The wife came home and found me,
A-lyin' in the dirt.
She kissed her horse and said to him,
"Oh, Sweetheart, are you hurt?"

He'd scratched his nose a little bit --
The memory burns me yet --
She left me trampled in the dirt,
And ran to call the vet!

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this horse
2. This is is horse
3. This is how horse
4. This is to horse
5. This is keep horse
6. This is an horse
7. This is old horse
8. This is fart horse
9. This is busy horse
10. This is for horse
11. This is forty horse
12 This is seconds horse

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

How do you......
Induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.

Cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.

Cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.

Get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.

Get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.

Get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.

Get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.

Make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.

Get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.

Induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.

Make it rain? Mow a field of hay.

Make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.

1. Get bucket or low tub, fill with warm water, add Epsom salts until fully diluted. Get horse, place in cross ties, pick up foot, slide bucket or low tub into place, place horse's foot in tub.

2. Retrieve tub from corner of barn, get towel to dry off your face.

3. Refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Shorten cross ties. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub.

4. Retrieve tub from other horse's stall, retrieve horse from his own stall. Find bailing twine to fix broken crosstie. Wrap towel around head to dry hair. Check rapidly bruising toe for signs of breakage.

5. Place rocks in bottom of tub to weigh it down. Snub horse to wall of stall, refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub. Hold up other front leg.

6. Pick self up off of stall floor. Find place outside where tub has been flung. Retrieve horse from neighbor's garden, pull rocks ou! t of horse's water bucket, call spouse for opinion on whether or not wrist may be broken. Explain
multiple times to emergency room staff that you did not fall off the horse.

7. Return to home, enlist spouse to hold horse, hobble hind legs, tie up front leg, fill tub with water and salt, slide tub into place, while pinning horse against wall.

8. Apologize to spouse as they view hoof prints across favorite shirt. Wonder if water and Epsom salts is bad for new wrist cast. Check out burgeoning black eye from broken hobbles. Retrieve horse from cattle farm across the road. Share laugh with cattle farmer about how fast horse can move on only three legs.

9. Go to grocery store to purchase ice packs, ibuprofen, more Epsom salts, and scotch.

10. Call vet and ask them to come over and show you how to soak a foot. Pour self tall glass of scotch while waiting.

Strange Horse Laws
Can you believe these!
Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).

The horse is New Jersey's state animal.

It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.

In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.

It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.

Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.

A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.

Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

Crazy Crosses
After somebody told me their Tennessee Walker/Friesian colt was called a "Walking Freezer", I thought, why not come up with some other strange breed crosses? Can you think of a better one? Send it in!

Freckles	Ginger
Hey Ging	What?
What's the difference
Between a horse
and a car?
	I don't
	know, what?
A car can't buck!
	Ha ha ha
Pretty cheesy huh?

Apple Run Horse and Pony Ranch
Life is better on horseback.

© Neigh

Apple Run Horse and Pony Ranch Life is better on horseback.

© Neigh var clicky_page_title='The Carrot Gang\'s Page';startClicky(22988273,'fwdb3');<p><img alt="Clicky Web Analytics" src="http://in.freewebs.getclicky.com/22988273-fwdb3.gif"/></p>

Apple Run Horse and Pony Ranch
Life is better on horseback.

© Neigh