Hey Carrot Gang again, and we wanna tell ya that this is one page miss Sheree and the family have no idea about! You can come here any time you want, we always have jokes, games, and other fun stuff that keeps you entertained on this boring site, and we also want to remind you that we always get new horses up for sale, and to come back any time! We love company!
What's the difference
Between a horse
|and a car?|
|A car can't buck!|
|Ha ha ha|
|Pretty cheesy huh?|
Neigh guys! Sunny here, I wanna tell you about a few inventions you humans can make for us:
Freckles again, I wanna show you the letter I got from a pretty lil filly. "I heard that!" Sorry Ginger.
Hey fillies, this is Ginger, how would you like to hear a funny joke? Well of course you would!
A old Cowboy & His granson
An old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
Sunny here, and I wanna explain something to you folks, who think horse rituals and spooks are about nothing, well, think again!
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
DEATH: When one of your best turn-out friends has gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one to go.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
FARRIER: The farrier is an object on which you can take out your frusteration without danger of limiting your food supply.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
HUMOR: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the necessary laughter response.
IMPROPER SHOES: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.
MARRIAGE: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
RAIN: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.
SHOEING: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work on.
SHOTS: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head, immediately after the injection, turning the leadrope into a handy tool with wich you can swing your human. Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.
Are you a stall-bound horse? Want to amuse yourself and your human? Well, here are some fun activities for you!
1) Poop in the water game
This will test your coordination and spatial abilities. Horses all over the world practice this, every day. You must try to poop in your water container (note: drink water first, so you won't go thirsty!). If your water container is too high to poop in, you can attempt to poop on the stall's door, or on the wall. This also gives your human something to do-- when they see what you've done, they will marvel at your special abilities, then happily provide you with fresh water.
2)Pee in the water game
A real challenge for geldings and stallions! Attempt to pee in your water container. This is a very challenging game. If your water container is up against a wall, you may try to drag it into the middle of your stall. Either way, be sure that you've mastered #1 above first... so your human knows to provide fresh water for you!
3) Artistic Wood Carving
You can become a wood carver. Use your teeth to chisle the wood of your stall into a beautiful piece of art! At first, you can start with simple shapes -- such as the half-moon bite shape-- and as you become more advanced you can try different forms (big curve shape or multiple bite shapes). Your human will really appreciate this.
Some humans will actually remove your artwork from the stall, and put up fresh, new, unchewed boards-- encouraging you to develop your artistic abilities with a fresh, new canvas!
4) Grain Spilling Game
Try to dump out all of your grain from your grain bucket/container, by turning it over with your nose. It is a fun game. You can even continue to flip the container to be sure that all the grain is dumped on the ground. Then, using your delicate muzzle to guide you, try to pick up all the grain, sorting throught the bedding and poop. Amusing, and it makes your grain last longer. Your human will appreciate it too-- he/she may even bring you a new bucket of grain, or challenge you to become better by using more difficult containers.
5) Hay Dunking
In this game, you'll try to grab a bite of hay, carry it to your water container, and dump it in. Dropping hay in your water is fun for both you and your human! Although it's just hay, they will probably come in your stall and remove it from your water (then you can dump more in).
6) Who Can Be The Loudest
If you're stalled with other horses, try a little friendly competition with this game. When it's feeding time, see who can neigh, bang, scream, and kick the loudest in their stalls. Humans will instinctively throw food to the noisiest, most demanding horse, so try to be it. The winner is the horse that the human feeds first.
7) Smoosh The Bedding
In this game, you can attempt to mix your bedding, poop, and hay all together. You do this by walking all around in your stall, until you get a good, even mixture. Some horses walk in circles, or back and forth in a straight line... experiment with different styles to see what you like best. Again, this provides entertainment and excersize for your human, because they will have to clean it all up.
8) Roll in the stall
Attempt to get a good roll, in your stall. If your stall is big, this is easy; however, the smaller the stall, the more difficult it can become. The object is to roll, well, without getting stuck. There is some danger involved in this game, as you could roll up near a wall and get stuck (but then, your human will rescue you-- be sure to do this near food time just in case!).
9) Mane Rubbing
Try to rub your mane out in certain spots. Humans like neat manes. That is why they comb, spray, and pull your mane; Save them work by pulling your mane yourself! You can stick your head through the stall (if it has an opening) and try to rub the top of your neck. Or, just rub it on the side of a wall. This will give your mane a nice look that humans appreciate (clumps of hair missing). You'll save them time on having to pull your mane or trim a bridle path.
Okay, those are rituals, here are the translations for all those "stupid" spooks.
Top 10 Spooky Things
A horse's point of view
10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."
9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"
8. Puddles of Water:
7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."
6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."
5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."
4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."
2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."
1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."
Hey Fillies, ever had your stud try to get in the way of your precious horse, well This is Ginger telling all men to read this, as a warning!
My wife, she has a Quarter Horse
His name is Dandy Darlin'.
My wife she used to cook for me,
He dresses better than I do,
She rides him every morning,
One day my wife was shopping,
He looked so smug and sassy
I've wondered since, if cues I gave
He bucked and spun and snorted fire
The wife came home and found me,
He'd scratched his nose a little bit --
Ginger again, giving tips to folks who don't know what they are doing!
Strange Horse Laws
Can you believe these!
Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).
The horse is New Jersey's state animal.
It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.
In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.
It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.
Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.
A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.
Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.
In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.
In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.
A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: "No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter."
In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.
Pennsylvania law states: ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.''
In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.
In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.
Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse."
Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined."
Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.
Quarter Horse X Halflinger = Three-Quarter Horse
Mustang X Bashkir= Mustache
Vlaamperd X Shire = Vampire
Quarter horse X Warmblood= warm horse
Foxtrotter X Irish Hunter= fox hunter
Arabian X Xilingol= Arab Lingo
Orlov Trotter x Appaloosa = Trapper
Halflinger X Warmblood = Half Warm
Shire X Fallabella = Shy Fella
Fell Pony X Don = Fell Do'n
Westphalian+Gypsy Vanner = Westphalia Van
Paint X Palomino = Paint Pal
Halflinger + Jutland= Half Jug
Missouri Foxtotter X Miniature Horse= Mini Fox
Fjord Pony X Gypsy Vanner = Ford Van
Icelandic X Hackney = Ice-Hack
Oldenburg X Westphalian = Old West
Saddlebred X Appaloosa= Saddle-loosa
Brabant X Friesian= Antifreeze
Florida Cracker X Paint = Floor Paint, or Cracked Paint
Appaloosa X Danish Warmblood = Apple Danish
Mustang X Friesian= Must Freeze
Friesian x Warmblood = Freezing Blood
Halflinger x Quarter= Half Quart
Mustang X Friesian= Must Freeze
Oldenburg+Saddlebred= Old Saddle
Quarter Horse+Buckskin=Quarter Buck, Horseskin
Gotland X Appaloosa = Gotloose
Ardennaise X Noma =- Nomayonnaise
Pinto X Warmblood - Pint Blood
Welsh X Shetland = Wetland
Fjord X Paint = Painted Ford
Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
Short N Cheesy.This is Sunny, and I am showing you some of my FAVORITE jokes!
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little hoarse."
P.M.S. -- Pissy Mare Syndrome
There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, i need a telegram" "What will it say mam?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok mam, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm mam, it's none of my businessm but i don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"
One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses, he fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: "FOUND'ER!"
There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Out of words, the man said his prayers, and ended them with "Amen." The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so releived that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."
A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had to walk home."
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to the others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell the two apart! Sometimes they would get confusesed and ride the wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!" After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and they still had a problem! They decided to measure the horses. Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller one. Guess what they found? The brown one was two inches taller than the gray one!
Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse! One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'. So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup! She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.
Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horsesfor the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"
An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."
I can save you money on gas!
Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.69 for gas, no problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose from the following models:
1. Trail Horse - Your average run around town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.
2. The Arabian - perfect for those who travel long distances in a day and try to multi task while driving. Although the Arabian may not go to your home or office with out specific instruction, it WILL go somewhere.
3. The Draft - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines, this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more expensive than the compact model.
4. The Western Pleasure - The right car for the high end white collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more special knowledge so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic, you just won't be getting anywhere fast.
5. The Parelli - Salesmen, stay at home moms, and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.
6. The Ranch - The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.
Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).
No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.
All I need to know in life I learned from my horse:
When in doubt, run far, far away.
You can never have too many treats.
Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
Eat plenty of roughage.
Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
In times of crisis, take a poop.
Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.